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wow/ [Jun. 16th, 2005|03:24 am]
Jay
wow so much has changed in the past few years after finishing this journal. I am now in kisskiss, just finished our first tour
(it was insane, check out our band diary (hahahaha yeah i know inside joke right josh???) with all the pictures, about to record our first album on universal. So much, I am finally happy. I am finally happy. I am finally happy. I am finally happy. I am finally hapy. I am finally happy. I am finally happy. why? because the world has changed and what are you getting at elvis? I am getting at kemo sabi. Thanks for all the people who have been in my life during this time, I still remember you like it was yesterday.
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saturday. [Dec. 4th, 2004|03:37 pm]
Jay
band is practicing tonight. i havent written in my journal for a long while now. Too much has happened. too many things have changed in my life, I am not who I once was, and I will never be able to go back again. School is near to ending, however that does not matter to me as I have not attended a class in over a month. I just stopped. I dont know why. the laws of the universe dont apply to me anymore. I float anywhere I need to go. Its like I am living in that song in every movie where its at the end right before the credits roll and so much death and saddness went into the making of that moment, but so much hope and love and just comfortable meaningless nothing. complete black hole oblivion. its eating me alive and its cutting my social ties, and soon there will be nothing left but the black screen. or blue. depending on how lucky you are.

i have a puppy. 8 weeks old, its a girl, i just decided to get a puppy for no reason at all. I took the wrong exit, and ended up near the spca, took a look, and rescued a little pit/shepard puppy. more on that news story later. day 3 of puppy.

also im in love. tragic love with a girl. jenny. i am in love, i fell in love with her the moment i saw her. months ago. now after 2 months she, and jen, yes 2 girls, sleep in my bed every night. we are a family, we got the puppy together (more on that later), and as a family, jenny is my wife. i am the happiest man in the world, but at the same time, i am the unhappiness and unluckiest man in the world because jenny still has a boyfriend, who is infact, coming tonight to screw her and love her the way i so gut wrenchingly want to. the dead negative of the situation has pushed me over, and at any moment i am ready to end my life direction from this eternal fire engine red hell. her sunshine smile is a ultra violet white light stab knife into my back swift and smooth as cold as ice.

it makes me sick to my stomach to be me.


and a final note, I now own a 9,000 square foot warehouse that houses my 80x30 foot room band stage called garage hall. This is my art center/profit artist colony, the only one in baltimore btw. this has been a dream of mine that I have been working on for years. it finally happened, its mine. Also my 4 band projects are nearing their final stages with over 75% of all work done in terms of marketing/booking/albums/websites, etc. thank god for marketing people, i gained two friends (more on that love mess) who are on the garage hall records marketing team (my record label [originally was called spaceopera studios, but when I changed the address over to the new warehouse because of the puppy, I also changed the name and noterized the trademark of garage hall]).

anyways much to report from the frontlines of my life. i am lost. oh god help me, I am way in over my head. I have finally realized this simple fact, and nothing will ever repair it, because it is fact, and emotion cannot change fact. the knife still hurts.
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update. [Oct. 22nd, 2004|10:26 am]
Jay
Its like the blinding heaven
And then you drop into
The eternal darkness



this update was a long time in coming.




its 9 am, I went to sleep at about 5, woke up at 7 to take kurt to the airport (he’s going to Florida for a cousins wedding this weekend), and I just got back.

and I have been thinking. about jenny. You see, there is this girl, who lights up my soul when im around her. I only hung out with her one time before, but I know I fell for her the moment I saw her. Like kelly.

My life as of late has been declining steadily. I think im more of a addict now then at any time, im just lonely and it helps to break the pain of it. But Ive passed a point of no return, I feel stranded. I think I have felt this way for some time now. Its been months since I have even been around anyone that interests me, infact since the summer ended its like there has been no one in my circle of friends/circle of social life who I can even go for. No hotties, no one interested back, everyone is hooked up and coupled in cement except for me. and its breaking me down. slowly.

My school is bullshit. I dont think ill make the semesters finish to graduate. I cant study, I cant read, its like something turned off in my head, I look at the words on the page and they look like distant symbols, some kind scribble that somehow by placing it in the right order makes sense and brings across an idea. Its getting bad, im getting sucked into a black hole.

My german class im failing, I have gotten an F on everything I have handed in, I just cant think anymore, I cant deal with this. I need to get out. I am moving, that should help, the new place is the first floor of a townhouse, wooden floors, brick walls, fireplace, its really nice, but im not in it yet. I need to make that move, I have already packed, my apartment is a junkyard of packed boxes ready to be hauled to bolton hill. Maybe ill meet someone there, maybe my life will change for the better there.

As for the band, it feels like its dragging its feet. We finished all our set, and we have just been practicing it, I have all my pa equipment and such, the rest should be easy. All we need is a damn drummer now. And we are trying to use mjp, but ill have to see, it might not work out with him, he might not be dedicated to this.

But that aside, last night jen, old crack jen from school, brought jenny over with her. We went and picked up movies, and beer, and went back to my place. There was a connection there, it surprised me, electricity when we touched, we sat next to each other, there was contact, the small little stuff where you hope they dont notice, but you know they do, and they are thinking the same, and your waiting for the next person to do something. Kurt was with us, he saw it. I want to fall head first into her. There was something there, something which I want more of. I want more of her in my life. I want to wake up next to her, I want to suck all the potential happiness out of this situation and feed on it and let it bath me and brighten up my depressed soul.

in the end ill end up alone like this again, so I dont see the point.

I never see the point anymore. It alludes me, having doing junk has changed me. its putting a gun up to your head, is it loaded, its the step, theres no going back, it changes you for the better. I have seen worlds, the universe, in a way that has made me better for it. I have seen the sun crash into the ground before my feet, I have seen the world burn up from the microwaves, its changed me. You either come out of it for the better, or you die. It was a test for me. and I feel great about it. Ill never do it again though. I wont let myself. Its all about control. Of course if I had the option to live a short life that made me happy where I could touch the sun and sleep in the craters of the moon, I would choose it over a long depressing life where my being alone consumes me.

And all I have is my cat. simba and I are closer than we have ever been. He curls up under the sheets with me, sleeps next to my head, we are beyond brothers, like soul mates. My life would come crashing down without him, he is my safety. He still is more than ever. Sometimes ill get fucked up, and then forget anyone in my place at the time, and just play with simba, have him chase a bow, or just have him curl up on my lap so I can love him.

i feel like, at this point, if I just had someone that loved me, a girlfriend, someone who gave a fuck about me, who would call me, who would be concerned, I would change. I could change, I still can. But this is my happy substitute, its my philosophical enhancement tool. I use everything to gain a new perspective on the world.

Halloween is coming up quick. Aaron will be staying with me in my new place, and jen will also that weekend. We will all re-live old memories. Most of the old crew is gone, cammie and natilie and mia have broken ties and started a new group with some of the gay freshman, while all that seems to remain is jen and me. Andrew fucked aaron over going after ronnie, which I did too, but I came to the realization that no girl is ever worth your best friend and I never did anything. Andrew is different, hes fucking everyone now, every girl I wanted hes fucking. That fucking peice of shit. What an asshole. same with noah. Things will never be the same anymore. More and more the events of this social world are bringing me closer to jenny who is jens friend, and now that jen is pissed over stan (our bands electric guitarist ... perhaps, we are still thinking) and so stan his hanging out with us less, which brings everything back to jenny. Its like a power in my life beyond my reach beyond what I can control, is slowly turning its wheels and bringing me closer to her, and she to me.

anyways I am gonna throw a party at my new place, my band will play there. I am hope to meet new people there. Start going to church, fix myself, change myself into something that society likes better, something that a girl can feel confident in. Not tis mess right now. But that brings me back to last night. there was in our touch, in the way we acted, the way she wore her hoodie, and her laugh, which just made me want her. I havent felt that in ages. since kelly. I thought it was just me, but kurt told me he saw it too. In my little life, it would be so nice to have a small wonderful thing to come home to like that. But ill fuck this up, just like everything else, something will not be right, she will like someone else, she might even already have someone else. In the end its just me. Its so hard for me to deal with that cause I hate me and if I had a choice i would never spend time with my self. Jesus, what others must think of me. I dont even want to think about it.

My mother should come up here for thanksgiving with my sister, she will make a turkey at my new place. It will be the first time I have seen her in over a year. too long, but I dont want her to see me this broken. Then we will drop my sister off on the way back to new york, so I can see all the cats again before they die. I miss patch.

my work is going well. my boss is chill, I hang out with my work buddies alot actually. They have been my set of friends away from school. very chill people. But im not working enough, like 15 hours a week, so I am going on two new interviews today. jen is leaving today too for the weekend, leaving me and jenny. Im gonna give her a call and see if she wants to come over to listen to radio head. heh, so cheesy. I have to think of something better, but my instincts just tell me to screw it. However unhappy I am alone, at least I have control over it, I can shut people out easier than trying to bring them in, trying to play the game. Its easier just to not enter in the game, then play it and fail. I cant take another failure. I dont want to give up my life to some stupid girl, it makes no sense, but there is something inside me which is tearing at my edges telling me that I do. I hate that little voice, I want to crush it, I wish it never burned in my head. I just want it to go away, I want to be happy alone, I never want to think about a girl. I just want to live my life, and be happy and enjoy the moments by myself, because I know that in the end, its gonna be me myself and I, in the most single sense of the term. In the end when I am old, if I get old, I will be surrounded by completely different people than right now, and these memories will be vague and I might not even remember whole years out of my life, I sure as hell dont remember much anymore. Infact, It feels as though I have lost all my memory, which is a blessing, because it allows me to forget so much. And between my brain probing this bodies mortality and its hunger for flesh, its like I never have anything I really WANT to remember. But looking back, into the past, I realize how untouchable it is, how so far out of my control, how permanent it is. Its a stomach churning impending thickness where when you hit a pool ball, you dont remember it rolling, the way it passes through time and space on its way to the pocket, it happens so fast you just remember it in the hole, you dont remember the moment where everyone hushes up, as the ball travels inches upon inches through time and space towards its pocket. But I did last night, i concentrated on the small moments, where all my eyes see is the flash of the ball, I try to pick out every moment that ball had on the table, its position, what was happening in the world each inch it took towards its resting place. There is an infinite amount of time between those inches, a freeze frame stop watch which when you concentrate on it, you gain a sharper perspective. time is but a quality of equation process at any rate.

so to make matters worst, I want her. I like the way she makes me feel, and I want to be special to her. so in my head, ill just make that happen, and live in the world by myself, imagine an imaginary girl thats everything I want curled up next to me when I sleep. I can live in that world by myself, im good at it. I can wake up sometimes and pretend im on a spaceship, and live the entire day as though im in a spaceship, my car a rebel fighter jet that takes me out of orbit. I can do it, its my one quality I still contain from my childhood. I can still play with my legos and by myself enter a world where that is reality. I live in this world, and I have locked everyone out. Some days im a space marine, some days a rock star, some days i am miles below the ocean. Its this ability which will save me in the end, but as its getting stronger, not as strong as it used to be when I was a child, but it should return the more I close myself off and continue to distance my social ties, it should return to when I was a child and I lived in these day dreams, just as real as real could be, before I became a victim of my mortality complex and before I felt like I needed a girl to be happy. But I still do, and I cant escape it, so I try to dive harder and harder into my own little world where I am happy, and I drag myself down into it, and its like music is the only window to the oustide world anymore, where this collision between my inner world I created for myself when I was a kid all alone in homeschool, and this depressing runt of the pack what the fuck am I doing here reality where im so lonely.

I just want to return to when I was a kid and I lived in my own little universe of legos and x men. Nothing is better here as an adult, cigs are disgusting, beer sucks, women are all whores and break you down, and life and work just eat away at the corners of your life until theres nothing left except a cold death which you can control, and then bam you overdose with a broken smile in the bathtub because your finally in control of something in your life.

i guess i cant relate to people anymore, now that I have changed so much. they are stereo types to me, everything about them is directly related to what others think, the way the world reacts. they dont life for themselves. They dont touch their eyeballs or not wear pants, or walk on all fours (which I have been trying to do lately in order to grasp my animal being), instead they talk and think and speak just the way they have always been told. Thats not to say they arent people, we are something better than animals, thats what our entire society is based on, lets be something better, and hide our dicks and paint our lips and be something better than before. lets hide our death in funeral parlors and lets go to church every Sunday, and lets work for a living to make money to eat and live and just fucking waste our time in this giant system which we cannot even begin to grasp. Everything that we say, everything that we do, all our facial expressions, all our words, exist to transfer information to another being. We dont live for ourselves. what IS living for ourselves? Even in our fantasies, they are crowded by lines, by teamwork, by saving the human race, by something greater than just ourselves. I forgot how to live for myself. I think if I just found that, I would be happy. I could cope, I could deal. BUt it escapes me.

Try it, spend an entire day, with a notepad, and write down, record, what have you, everything that happens. All the conversations you have, what is the other party SAYING? They are transferring information. About their day, about who they like. About how shitty life is. About history and math. When can you have a conversation which is not so one sided. Something beyond conflicting ideas and resolutions, something beyond it all. There has to be a better way to transmit all this information, speech just seems so primitive, with all this technology cant we beam thoughts in greater detail across? life. 4 little characters, but the meaning that goes into those 4 little symbols is so much greater. We are so primitive.

I just want a perfect soul. a perfect diamond clear soul that resonates with the viewers and the audience. I want to be happy, but im so fucked up that I dont even know what it is to be happy the way I want to be, or if its possible, or if what I think means to be happy is what I took away from all the media messages and sappy love movies which told me how great this unattainable thing is. Its not real life, where people cheat and fuck and suck and shit happens and people get pissed and things get broken and hearts get broken and people dont even fucking care, and more importantly you dont want them to fucking care cause they would never understand you because you have taken the great dive and they havent, and you feel glorious but at the same time like an alien videotaping through your eyes a primitive world where you can see a direct correlation between the general laws of physics and molecular interaction having a direct relation, infact a sole relation, to the events of the world, the thoughts of the world, the progression of the world through time, the progression of the universe through time, and you realize just how much you fit in that system, and how much that system owns you, and that you are in itself, the end result of a complicated set of equations, and have been giving a gift by the atoms of the universe, the ability to look at the universe and self-realize. to question, to exist, to live. You are the living universe, the atoms that create YOU, that IS YOU, came from a star, existed in the early formation of the solar system, in the brown soil of earth for millions upon millions of years. That crushing fact, that an entire infinity came before you, and will come after you, but you will still exist though your molecules could be spread far and wide. However that does leave the question of the black holes at the center of our galaxy to which we are hurdling towards at a blinding speed. We are all a glorious function of this, and the complexity of the universe has given us the ability to think, and to see what we are made of. And perhaps god/universe is that point of consciousness the exact placement of your head right now, all that its taking in, all your 5 senses, only using ALL the senses of the universe, and your brain being in all points of the universe. Theory law existing in all points of the universe, the correct reaction based on the property of your neighbor. And once it started, the equation is still going.


there is another thing i want to bring up. I was a the music store a few days ago getting another 15 inch monitor when I met an ex junk addict. I knew he was special, i didnt know why, but when I met him, we carried on about the greatest of topics, the most eccentric of things, with stunning clarity and and cutting social commentary. I thought, finally, another person that THOUGHT THE WAY I THOUGHT. I thought I had been alone all this time. This was a major point in my life to date. I can express in words what changed, but something did. Our conversation covered everything that my lonely mind has wandered across. I have never spoken like that to another human being. The way the high must jolt your perception and allow you a new angle, and the resulting data which is derived and reasoned by the brain must account for this higher thought. Whatever it was, I was not alone. I connected with this old man. In a way that I havent with anyone. I found myself in him, it was and humbling experience. I never felt anything so powerful. My friends at the store told me to stay away from him when he left, saying he was a nut case and he lost it, but that is not true. I see myself in him, and suddenly the world is so much richer. All my thoughts were in this man, he had seen the things I have, the way we sense the universe, the way we sniff the issues that affect our lives. I felt connected for the first time in my life. It was such an eye opening shock to find out that ex junkies can turn out like this. Turn out better, wizards of the world, and that the little peice that I thought was myself, my soul, can be attained by them by this drug. Maybe its the drug, maybe it does change you, if you are lucky, maybe its the blinding confrontation with reality that you go through on your way back to life, or maybe its the eternal darkness, so black hole dark that its beyond the spectrum of light and color, but something physical and atomic, that you must walk alone, but something. Something changes you. And it was always there for me. And when I am old, I want to read this, and I want to remember that white haired ex junkie who told me my mind and gave me hope for the world. What was me, is really a pattern of thought. perhaps destructive, but then again, everything is. maybe the chemical that makes bud light the coolest beer in the world also gives us all cancer and we are all fucked.
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shit [Oct. 18th, 2004|05:09 pm]
Jay
shit still no lovin here. i got blue contacts, band is fine, infact we played last night with our new drummer, should be ready in time by the 31st, might even play out this weekend. ugh im just waiting for this stupid rut to end cause im in a fucking rut, the biggest fuckign rut, whatever a rut looks like, uhhhh i forgot.
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2004|01:48 am]
Jay
well the same old shit, nothing new to report from the alien world of nebar the bullshit. me and kurt, my guitarist, finished writing all the songs tonight, there are 14 tracks in our scotchtape for a cardboard utopia/bleep goes the creep album/library. so uhhh thats pretty cool, it means we start out this weekend on the gigs. jesus my brain aint working right now, its too fucking cold outside. i get my paycheck tomorrow, that will be cool, worked like hell for it, complete bullshit this whole work thing. I am just impatient to start gigging out. that will be cool, should be this weekend. I signed my lease at my new place, its real nice, i think im gonna have a halloween party where my band will place at.
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(no subject) [Oct. 7th, 2004|02:27 pm]
Jay
i havent posted in a while. lots of reasons to that, mainly I have been to fucking depressed. I got my car finally, I drive it all over now, no having to fucking deal with walking over the entire city anymore. Plus I have three jobs, all about bartending for weddings and conventions. Its fun stuff. Other than that though I am really fucking depressed, no girls in my life at all. NONE. I had it so good this summer and now there aint a single girl, none the less DECENT, in MILES of me. I dont know what happened its like they all migrated like fucking birds to somewhere warmer. Its fucking cold around here. I am also moving out of my place, should be into the new place nov 1st, bolton hill area, real fucking nice area, reminds me of boston.

my band is going well. infact its the only thing in my life that is going well. We have a new guitar player, kurt. Laura is away right now on tour with an irish dance company, but she will be back this next week. Which is when we will start gigging out FINALLY. We now have over an hour of material, took an ENTIRE summer to work up, but we have an hour of material. Really good quality stuff, plus we can break it down and arrange it into acoustic sets from 2 people to 5, and electric, so no need to waste our time on the arrangements. Which means im gonna be playing alot in the comming months. Oh and the GIANT concert, infusion is opening for us btw, in december (Friday 10th i think), live at griswald.. that shit is gonna be awesome. hmm what else, oh yeha the band names are now down to the creeps (which is my personal favorite), and animal anthem. oh well.

one thing I do like is that when your a bartender or work in the food industry you party with your people. thats so true. i figure i just have to wait my time, move into my new place, meet new people on the job, and ill finally find a girl. i swear to god i hate my life right now. fuck it. this is why i dont like writing, because im just gonna remember this shit, theres nothing happy to write about to remember.
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lyrics [Sep. 14th, 2004|06:17 pm]
Jay
so here are the almost finished lyrics.. the lyric lines that I still might need to fix have (?) next to it

Drop dead gorgeous and only 19
Trouble maker heart breaker socal drama queen
With high black boots and a flare for soul
She Dangerous like fire but as cold as the north pole(?)


And when I bump she grinds across the surface of my troubled mind
And when im high its seems she sings in rhyme a lullabye of gods and wine


Socal drama queen, wasting away on coke and weed
Socal drama queen, your just another troubled teen


And you cant break me
No you cant break me
You cant break me
Just you wait and see


a teenage run away living day to day
a street smart girl with so much to say
With skin tight jeans and college dreams
Shes hot as hell and twice as mean(?)


And when I bump she grinds across the surface of my troubled mind
And when im high its seems she sings in rhyme a lullabye of gods and wine


Socal drama queen, Goddess of your little scene
Socal drama queen, following your socal dreams


And you cant break me
No you cant break me
You cant break me
Just you wait and see


Socal drama queen, you cant break me
Socal drama queen, no you cant break me
Socal drama queen, wasting away on coke and weed
Socal drama queen, your just another troubled teen


And you cant break me
No you cant break me
You cant break me
Just you wait and see
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read this [Sep. 13th, 2004|01:52 pm]
Jay
read this. its important. i am in awe at the reasoning. its all so true.


The Blackwater Lifts All Boats

There is a sequence in the movie "Blade Runner", near the beginning, in which a futuristic flying car takes off through the cityscape of Los Angeles, soaring between the glass canyon walls of unrestricted capitalism and technological progress. The vistas are at once beautiful and terrible, monolithic and dark, with hell-like industrial venting visible across the glittering night time horizon. It's this sinister sparkle that has drawn me to the genre of cyberpunk in fiction, film, and even to an extent in music, for many years. The genre simultaneously acknowledges the impossible potential of mankind to achieve so much and yet poison it all with our terrible human predisposition to greed, violence, and apathy.




Many critics argue that this genre is dead and buried, that its concepts of cyberjockies hacking the corporations has become archaic and unnecessary. In that regard the critics are absolutely right, computer hackers aren't the 21st century's Robin Hood or Mandela, they're just silly kids defacing websites and scammers running identity theft rings. To me cyberpunk was never about the heroes and heroines of the various novels, it was about the seductive nature of technology, the idea that the stunning beauty of our artifice could so entrance us that we would be willing to give up everything else for it.




At least once every year I have a conversation with one of my good friends in which we discuss recent milestones towards the inevitable "cyberpunk future". At first these conversations were sort of a joke, mocking the fantastic computer generated realities of cyberpunk literature when compared to the pop-up riddled porn hole of the real Internet. As more and more time progressed these talks took on a more serious tone, and as the years passed it became apparent that we were both fairly convinced we were on the cusp.




Crude mechanical hearts gave way to crude mechanical eyes and ears, implants that address the most complex portions of the human anatomy. The power of governments throughout the world seemed to wane while the power of corporations has never been greater. Even as information and the media has never seemed more vital to the global economy Gibson's prediction of an Internet based devaluation of consumer data seems yet more prophetic. You can download films the day they appear in theaters. If you live in China you can walk into a legitimate business and buy DVDs of American movies or Japanese games for a twentieth of the cost they actually retail for.

I'm ready to go ahead and make the bold declaration that we're here. We've come a long way baby, but welcome to the cyberpunk future!




The last straw for me was an article I read a few months back about a corporation being employed by the US Government in Iraq. It's called Blackwater USA, and it embodies the absolute ideal of a cyberpunk corporation. Beneath a photograph of men in black armored uniforms holding sub machine guns the text on the company's website reads "We have established a global presence and provide training and tactical solutions for the 21st century." In the case of Iraq, Blackwater has been contracted by the government to provide armed security for US facilities, officials, and even in some cases military bases. I was under the impression that these tasks would fall under the aegis of the military itself, but in this costly and dangerous world I guess Blackwater was capable of offering a better deal than our own military.

Blackwater operatives are elite, drawn from the ranks of the US Special Forces and intelligence community. They are often better equipped than our own military in terms of per-man capability and they are certainly better paid, making four or five times as much as what the government pays a soldier. Which begs the question, how exactly is it a good deal to use Blackwater? The answer, as all answers are in today's cyberpunk world, is impossible to know for certain.

Jean Baudrillard believes that in our postmodern world we model our lives on simulations of life. A simulation is generated by the media from nothing and we attempt to emulate that perfect model. This idea of simulacra is integral to the cyberpunk world in which we live. When politicians spar on CNN neither provides an actual answer, an actual truth, both provide a simulation structured for consumption and ease of use. So is the case with Blackwater, which exists in simulacra to provide security for soldiers who are providing security for a simulation of democracy that was created in a cabinet meeting in 2001. Your perception is colored only by the simulacra itself; it has become our reality. Our world is an existential hell, our lives and reality defined entirely by the media we absorb.




Control through media. War through propaganda. The all too real deaths of more than a thousand men and women in Iraq are nothing but a number to be used by one head of the hydra to attack another. Terrorism, itself a dark face of propaganda, has become much the same. Flags are raised on the skeleton of the World Trade Center and we solemnly duck our heads and observe a minute of silence like Muslims bowing to the call of the muezzin. Honor the firefighters who gave their lives so bravely on that terrible day by watching a tribute on Fox News. Then maybe watch it again when it gets replayed three hours later just because you think they would like that in heaven. Or, if you prefer, hang on every word of Al Jazeera as they describe the vicious attacks perpetrated by the Americans on the innocent Iraqi civilians.

The simulation of choice. Good and evildoers. Right and wrong. Democrat and Republican. Terrorism and Freedom. Five thousand years of human strife and struggle condensed to thirty characters on the CNN ticker, visible as merrily rolling sentence fragments beneath the smiling face of Anderson Cooper. Here we are baby, the future is now, and you'll find those sinister glass canyons of Blade Runner on one of a thousand channels available through Direct TV. Vote in today's web poll! The topic: is any of this shit really happening? Is there any fucking truth?




When you get diabetes and go blind from eating all those Twinkies you bought at Wal-Mart just remember that our incredible science will make you new eyes. Better ones. We have the technology. You won't even have to worry anymore about whether what you're seeing is real or not. Just winking pixels and phosphenes flickering through your cerebral cortex, electric current channeled on hair-thin wires straight to your brain, and it's out of sight!
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something new [Sep. 13th, 2004|03:12 am]
Jay
something new i have been playing around with in my head. may get into the album in some form..



hes drop dead gorgeous in her black black boots shes cool as cool can be and twice as smooth. And when I bump she grinds through the circus of my mind and when im high she sings in time to the rhythm of my heart beat.
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car day uut yay [Sep. 12th, 2004|05:10 pm]
Jay
uhhh been workin online to find all the mods I want for my car. i gotta keep this list somewhere anyways. the funny thing is for like 400 bucks you can change your interior into a fucking joy ride.



MY CAR- WHAT TO GET


==
CAR IDEA
http://www.cardomain.com/member_pages/view_page.pl?page_id=684547&cat=25&val=1
(color design only red)
http://store1.yimg.com/I/autotoyaz_1806_789225
==

Crystal Air Freshener (Red Cartridge & Refill)
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Interior&scat=Air%20Fresheners


Red/Black 4 Piece (Front/Rear) Racing floor mat- $24.05
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Floormats&scat=Rubber

Clip on wide mirrior with led accent light- $21.80
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Interior&scat=Rear%20View%20Mirrors

E-Brake Handle Cover (Red)- $19.00
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Interior&scat=Emergency%20Brake%20Handles

==
Pilot Red/Black Insert Pedals- $12.56/ or the 14.41 pair
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Pedals&scat=Matrix
or========================
EL-GLOW RED PEDAL PADS
http://www.autotoyaz.com/noname2.html
==
Speed Lighter Red- $7.84
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Interior&scat=Cigarette%20Lighters

===
AIC Steering Wheel (Red/Black 3 Spoke)- $47.00 or for $145.00 (keep looking?)
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Steering%20Wheels&scat=Steering%20Wheel
or
1085 Evolution 1- $188.00
http://www.caraddons.com/Catalog/subpages/grant_steering_wheel1.htm
===

Racing seat Red/Black- $299.00
http://store1.yimg.com/I/autotoyaz_1807_6815379

9mc. Euro Seat Covers (red) Matrix- $53.55 (will this fit?? Just for back seats)
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Seats&scat=Seat%20Covers

==
4pt Snap in Mounting seat belt (red)- $94.00 (keep looking?)
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Seats&scat=Seat%20Harnesses
or
WEAPON R 5 POINT HARNESS (fighter jet) $159.99
http://www.prostreetonline.com/buy/weapon_r_5_point_harnesses/


Racing Shoulder Pads (Racing Red)- $4.29 (do I HAVE shoulder pads?)
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Seats&scat=Shoulder%20Pads


Matrix Shift Gear (Led Red Lights)- $22.11/ Toucan Tall Red $36.00/keep looking
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Shift%20Knobs&scat=Matrix
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Shift%20Knobs&scat=Toucan

Pilot Shift gear with Overdrive- $69.27 (For Automatic?)
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Shift%20Knobs&scat=Pilot

Neon Wire for Interior accents/Running Board/Speakers (Red or blue?)- $21.56
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Neon%20Lights&scat=Neon%20Wires
http://www.litewave.co.uk/glow_wire.htm


Kineticcap Wheel Lights set of 4 (what wheel inch?)- $53.90
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Neon%20Lights&scat=Wheel%20Lights

Neon License Plate Frame Red- $16.66
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Neon%20Lights&scat=Neon%20Frames


Carbon Fiber Racing Hood- $679.00
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Hoods&scat=Carbon%20Fiber%20Hoods

Matrix Carbon Fiber Wing Spoiler- $407.55
http://www.andysautosport.com/products.php?id=M97Mir&make=Mitsubishi&mcat=Wings&scat=Carbon%20Fiber

Body Graphic- $200.00+
http://www.autotoyaz.com/modimgrap.html

Racing Decals- $12.95
http://www.autotoyaz.com/racingdecals.html

Radar Detector- $30.00
http://www.caraddons.com/Catalog/subpages/escort_radardetectors.htm

Cockpit Design Film- $32
http://www.caraddons.com/Catalog/subpages/interior_accessories/foliatech_designfilm.asp

Tenzo door sills (Black)- $22.99
http://www.carxpressions.com/interior/door_sills.htm


FURTHERMORE>>>>>>>>>>

Ractive Instrument Clusters
http://www.carxpressions.com/interior/ractive_gauges.htm

high intensity led driving wheel
http://www.carxpressions.com/interior/steeringwheelcovers.htm

additional 4 point racing harnesses- 54.99
http://www.carxpressions.com/interior/ractive_harnesses.htm
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