||[Oct. 22nd, 2004|10:26 am]
Its like the blinding heaven|
And then you drop into
The eternal darkness
this update was a long time in coming.
its 9 am, I went to sleep at about 5, woke up at 7 to take kurt to the airport (he’s going to Florida for a cousins wedding this weekend), and I just got back.
and I have been thinking. about jenny. You see, there is this girl, who lights up my soul when im around her. I only hung out with her one time before, but I know I fell for her the moment I saw her. Like kelly.
My life as of late has been declining steadily. I think im more of a addict now then at any time, im just lonely and it helps to break the pain of it. But Ive passed a point of no return, I feel stranded. I think I have felt this way for some time now. Its been months since I have even been around anyone that interests me, infact since the summer ended its like there has been no one in my circle of friends/circle of social life who I can even go for. No hotties, no one interested back, everyone is hooked up and coupled in cement except for me. and its breaking me down. slowly.
My school is bullshit. I dont think ill make the semesters finish to graduate. I cant study, I cant read, its like something turned off in my head, I look at the words on the page and they look like distant symbols, some kind scribble that somehow by placing it in the right order makes sense and brings across an idea. Its getting bad, im getting sucked into a black hole.
My german class im failing, I have gotten an F on everything I have handed in, I just cant think anymore, I cant deal with this. I need to get out. I am moving, that should help, the new place is the first floor of a townhouse, wooden floors, brick walls, fireplace, its really nice, but im not in it yet. I need to make that move, I have already packed, my apartment is a junkyard of packed boxes ready to be hauled to bolton hill. Maybe ill meet someone there, maybe my life will change for the better there.
As for the band, it feels like its dragging its feet. We finished all our set, and we have just been practicing it, I have all my pa equipment and such, the rest should be easy. All we need is a damn drummer now. And we are trying to use mjp, but ill have to see, it might not work out with him, he might not be dedicated to this.
But that aside, last night jen, old crack jen from school, brought jenny over with her. We went and picked up movies, and beer, and went back to my place. There was a connection there, it surprised me, electricity when we touched, we sat next to each other, there was contact, the small little stuff where you hope they dont notice, but you know they do, and they are thinking the same, and your waiting for the next person to do something. Kurt was with us, he saw it. I want to fall head first into her. There was something there, something which I want more of. I want more of her in my life. I want to wake up next to her, I want to suck all the potential happiness out of this situation and feed on it and let it bath me and brighten up my depressed soul.
in the end ill end up alone like this again, so I dont see the point.
I never see the point anymore. It alludes me, having doing junk has changed me. its putting a gun up to your head, is it loaded, its the step, theres no going back, it changes you for the better. I have seen worlds, the universe, in a way that has made me better for it. I have seen the sun crash into the ground before my feet, I have seen the world burn up from the microwaves, its changed me. You either come out of it for the better, or you die. It was a test for me. and I feel great about it. Ill never do it again though. I wont let myself. Its all about control. Of course if I had the option to live a short life that made me happy where I could touch the sun and sleep in the craters of the moon, I would choose it over a long depressing life where my being alone consumes me.
And all I have is my cat. simba and I are closer than we have ever been. He curls up under the sheets with me, sleeps next to my head, we are beyond brothers, like soul mates. My life would come crashing down without him, he is my safety. He still is more than ever. Sometimes ill get fucked up, and then forget anyone in my place at the time, and just play with simba, have him chase a bow, or just have him curl up on my lap so I can love him.
i feel like, at this point, if I just had someone that loved me, a girlfriend, someone who gave a fuck about me, who would call me, who would be concerned, I would change. I could change, I still can. But this is my happy substitute, its my philosophical enhancement tool. I use everything to gain a new perspective on the world.
Halloween is coming up quick. Aaron will be staying with me in my new place, and jen will also that weekend. We will all re-live old memories. Most of the old crew is gone, cammie and natilie and mia have broken ties and started a new group with some of the gay freshman, while all that seems to remain is jen and me. Andrew fucked aaron over going after ronnie, which I did too, but I came to the realization that no girl is ever worth your best friend and I never did anything. Andrew is different, hes fucking everyone now, every girl I wanted hes fucking. That fucking peice of shit. What an asshole. same with noah. Things will never be the same anymore. More and more the events of this social world are bringing me closer to jenny who is jens friend, and now that jen is pissed over stan (our bands electric guitarist ... perhaps, we are still thinking) and so stan his hanging out with us less, which brings everything back to jenny. Its like a power in my life beyond my reach beyond what I can control, is slowly turning its wheels and bringing me closer to her, and she to me.
anyways I am gonna throw a party at my new place, my band will play there. I am hope to meet new people there. Start going to church, fix myself, change myself into something that society likes better, something that a girl can feel confident in. Not tis mess right now. But that brings me back to last night. there was in our touch, in the way we acted, the way she wore her hoodie, and her laugh, which just made me want her. I havent felt that in ages. since kelly. I thought it was just me, but kurt told me he saw it too. In my little life, it would be so nice to have a small wonderful thing to come home to like that. But ill fuck this up, just like everything else, something will not be right, she will like someone else, she might even already have someone else. In the end its just me. Its so hard for me to deal with that cause I hate me and if I had a choice i would never spend time with my self. Jesus, what others must think of me. I dont even want to think about it.
My mother should come up here for thanksgiving with my sister, she will make a turkey at my new place. It will be the first time I have seen her in over a year. too long, but I dont want her to see me this broken. Then we will drop my sister off on the way back to new york, so I can see all the cats again before they die. I miss patch.
my work is going well. my boss is chill, I hang out with my work buddies alot actually. They have been my set of friends away from school. very chill people. But im not working enough, like 15 hours a week, so I am going on two new interviews today. jen is leaving today too for the weekend, leaving me and jenny. Im gonna give her a call and see if she wants to come over to listen to radio head. heh, so cheesy. I have to think of something better, but my instincts just tell me to screw it. However unhappy I am alone, at least I have control over it, I can shut people out easier than trying to bring them in, trying to play the game. Its easier just to not enter in the game, then play it and fail. I cant take another failure. I dont want to give up my life to some stupid girl, it makes no sense, but there is something inside me which is tearing at my edges telling me that I do. I hate that little voice, I want to crush it, I wish it never burned in my head. I just want it to go away, I want to be happy alone, I never want to think about a girl. I just want to live my life, and be happy and enjoy the moments by myself, because I know that in the end, its gonna be me myself and I, in the most single sense of the term. In the end when I am old, if I get old, I will be surrounded by completely different people than right now, and these memories will be vague and I might not even remember whole years out of my life, I sure as hell dont remember much anymore. Infact, It feels as though I have lost all my memory, which is a blessing, because it allows me to forget so much. And between my brain probing this bodies mortality and its hunger for flesh, its like I never have anything I really WANT to remember. But looking back, into the past, I realize how untouchable it is, how so far out of my control, how permanent it is. Its a stomach churning impending thickness where when you hit a pool ball, you dont remember it rolling, the way it passes through time and space on its way to the pocket, it happens so fast you just remember it in the hole, you dont remember the moment where everyone hushes up, as the ball travels inches upon inches through time and space towards its pocket. But I did last night, i concentrated on the small moments, where all my eyes see is the flash of the ball, I try to pick out every moment that ball had on the table, its position, what was happening in the world each inch it took towards its resting place. There is an infinite amount of time between those inches, a freeze frame stop watch which when you concentrate on it, you gain a sharper perspective. time is but a quality of equation process at any rate.
so to make matters worst, I want her. I like the way she makes me feel, and I want to be special to her. so in my head, ill just make that happen, and live in the world by myself, imagine an imaginary girl thats everything I want curled up next to me when I sleep. I can live in that world by myself, im good at it. I can wake up sometimes and pretend im on a spaceship, and live the entire day as though im in a spaceship, my car a rebel fighter jet that takes me out of orbit. I can do it, its my one quality I still contain from my childhood. I can still play with my legos and by myself enter a world where that is reality. I live in this world, and I have locked everyone out. Some days im a space marine, some days a rock star, some days i am miles below the ocean. Its this ability which will save me in the end, but as its getting stronger, not as strong as it used to be when I was a child, but it should return the more I close myself off and continue to distance my social ties, it should return to when I was a child and I lived in these day dreams, just as real as real could be, before I became a victim of my mortality complex and before I felt like I needed a girl to be happy. But I still do, and I cant escape it, so I try to dive harder and harder into my own little world where I am happy, and I drag myself down into it, and its like music is the only window to the oustide world anymore, where this collision between my inner world I created for myself when I was a kid all alone in homeschool, and this depressing runt of the pack what the fuck am I doing here reality where im so lonely.
I just want to return to when I was a kid and I lived in my own little universe of legos and x men. Nothing is better here as an adult, cigs are disgusting, beer sucks, women are all whores and break you down, and life and work just eat away at the corners of your life until theres nothing left except a cold death which you can control, and then bam you overdose with a broken smile in the bathtub because your finally in control of something in your life.
i guess i cant relate to people anymore, now that I have changed so much. they are stereo types to me, everything about them is directly related to what others think, the way the world reacts. they dont life for themselves. They dont touch their eyeballs or not wear pants, or walk on all fours (which I have been trying to do lately in order to grasp my animal being), instead they talk and think and speak just the way they have always been told. Thats not to say they arent people, we are something better than animals, thats what our entire society is based on, lets be something better, and hide our dicks and paint our lips and be something better than before. lets hide our death in funeral parlors and lets go to church every Sunday, and lets work for a living to make money to eat and live and just fucking waste our time in this giant system which we cannot even begin to grasp. Everything that we say, everything that we do, all our facial expressions, all our words, exist to transfer information to another being. We dont live for ourselves. what IS living for ourselves? Even in our fantasies, they are crowded by lines, by teamwork, by saving the human race, by something greater than just ourselves. I forgot how to live for myself. I think if I just found that, I would be happy. I could cope, I could deal. BUt it escapes me.
Try it, spend an entire day, with a notepad, and write down, record, what have you, everything that happens. All the conversations you have, what is the other party SAYING? They are transferring information. About their day, about who they like. About how shitty life is. About history and math. When can you have a conversation which is not so one sided. Something beyond conflicting ideas and resolutions, something beyond it all. There has to be a better way to transmit all this information, speech just seems so primitive, with all this technology cant we beam thoughts in greater detail across? life. 4 little characters, but the meaning that goes into those 4 little symbols is so much greater. We are so primitive.
I just want a perfect soul. a perfect diamond clear soul that resonates with the viewers and the audience. I want to be happy, but im so fucked up that I dont even know what it is to be happy the way I want to be, or if its possible, or if what I think means to be happy is what I took away from all the media messages and sappy love movies which told me how great this unattainable thing is. Its not real life, where people cheat and fuck and suck and shit happens and people get pissed and things get broken and hearts get broken and people dont even fucking care, and more importantly you dont want them to fucking care cause they would never understand you because you have taken the great dive and they havent, and you feel glorious but at the same time like an alien videotaping through your eyes a primitive world where you can see a direct correlation between the general laws of physics and molecular interaction having a direct relation, infact a sole relation, to the events of the world, the thoughts of the world, the progression of the world through time, the progression of the universe through time, and you realize just how much you fit in that system, and how much that system owns you, and that you are in itself, the end result of a complicated set of equations, and have been giving a gift by the atoms of the universe, the ability to look at the universe and self-realize. to question, to exist, to live. You are the living universe, the atoms that create YOU, that IS YOU, came from a star, existed in the early formation of the solar system, in the brown soil of earth for millions upon millions of years. That crushing fact, that an entire infinity came before you, and will come after you, but you will still exist though your molecules could be spread far and wide. However that does leave the question of the black holes at the center of our galaxy to which we are hurdling towards at a blinding speed. We are all a glorious function of this, and the complexity of the universe has given us the ability to think, and to see what we are made of. And perhaps god/universe is that point of consciousness the exact placement of your head right now, all that its taking in, all your 5 senses, only using ALL the senses of the universe, and your brain being in all points of the universe. Theory law existing in all points of the universe, the correct reaction based on the property of your neighbor. And once it started, the equation is still going.
there is another thing i want to bring up. I was a the music store a few days ago getting another 15 inch monitor when I met an ex junk addict. I knew he was special, i didnt know why, but when I met him, we carried on about the greatest of topics, the most eccentric of things, with stunning clarity and and cutting social commentary. I thought, finally, another person that THOUGHT THE WAY I THOUGHT. I thought I had been alone all this time. This was a major point in my life to date. I can express in words what changed, but something did. Our conversation covered everything that my lonely mind has wandered across. I have never spoken like that to another human being. The way the high must jolt your perception and allow you a new angle, and the resulting data which is derived and reasoned by the brain must account for this higher thought. Whatever it was, I was not alone. I connected with this old man. In a way that I havent with anyone. I found myself in him, it was and humbling experience. I never felt anything so powerful. My friends at the store told me to stay away from him when he left, saying he was a nut case and he lost it, but that is not true. I see myself in him, and suddenly the world is so much richer. All my thoughts were in this man, he had seen the things I have, the way we sense the universe, the way we sniff the issues that affect our lives. I felt connected for the first time in my life. It was such an eye opening shock to find out that ex junkies can turn out like this. Turn out better, wizards of the world, and that the little peice that I thought was myself, my soul, can be attained by them by this drug. Maybe its the drug, maybe it does change you, if you are lucky, maybe its the blinding confrontation with reality that you go through on your way back to life, or maybe its the eternal darkness, so black hole dark that its beyond the spectrum of light and color, but something physical and atomic, that you must walk alone, but something. Something changes you. And it was always there for me. And when I am old, I want to read this, and I want to remember that white haired ex junkie who told me my mind and gave me hope for the world. What was me, is really a pattern of thought. perhaps destructive, but then again, everything is. maybe the chemical that makes bud light the coolest beer in the world also gives us all cancer and we are all fucked.